He won’t be the Vice President of the United States anytime soon, but he will still be chairman of the House Budget Committee and a member of the House Ways and Means Committee, so the following excerpts from The Onion’s parody “Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget Slashing Video” still work — enjoy!
WASHINGTON—Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan took a short break from his busy campaign schedule Wednesday to announce the official release of his new 90-minute high-endurance Extreme Budget Shredder instructional video.
According to a press release, the video will allow fiscal conservatives to follow along with the Wisconsin legislator as he guides them through a wide variety of exercises in austerity designed to “trim those government expenditures” and “burn away all that unwanted debt.”
“Prepare to see your budget get lighter and leaner than it’s ever been,” Ryan says in the introduction to the video, wearing a tank top, compression shorts, and a hands-free microphone. “It won’t be easy, but with me guiding you every step of the way, pretty soon those $1.1 trillion deficits will be nothing but a distant memory.”
Not convinced? Here’s a testimonial:
“I was so embarrassed by my big, inflated budget that I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it,” said Florida governor Rick Scott, proudly displaying before-and-after pictures of his budget, which is now $4.6 billion thinner. “But after just three weeks on ‘the Shred,’ I immediately started seeing results. And not only did the debts go away—they stayed away.”
Image Source: U.S. State Department (IIP Digital)